Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
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Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.