coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
You Might Also Like
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
eating my hot dog hamburger style
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.