Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
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her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.