Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
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A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.