My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
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Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Me too
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Meow
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Sniffing the broccoli
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”