Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
You Might Also Like
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny