Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
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me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Finally a use for spoilers…
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
(more comics:
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.