Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
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The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.