Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
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You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
reviewed some movies recently
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**