I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
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I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
welp
Just me?
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom