Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
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Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them