At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
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Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
You are what you delete.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Meeeee too!
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
my name if I was in the mob
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.