How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
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Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
where do you see yourself in five years?
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.