It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
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People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Never mess with a drunken pig.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
they split up moments later
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.