Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
You Might Also Like
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.