welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
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Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.