The hardest thing Vision has to do
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The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
🤣🤣🤣
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.