So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
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in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
BaD BoY!!
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Ooops wrong house😂😜
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant