I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
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One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster