I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
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I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?