Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
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What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”