Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
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been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
🙋♀️
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
see you in hell you stupid fruit