[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
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I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
How I like cutting carbs
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Yup!
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*