Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
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“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Beauty and the Beast
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein