Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
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Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
This makes total sense…
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Happy thanksgiving
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
CRYING
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction