According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
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I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.