Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
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“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.