Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
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About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.