You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
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[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end