That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
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Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Are we there yet?…
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?