It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
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[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I wanna be friends with this person
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
The asteroid..
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out