I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
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I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
these two trucks have the same bed length
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997