Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
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it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch