Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
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Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
sleeping beauty
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.