i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
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[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.