Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
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me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.