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Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Match dot com, but for socks.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!