It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
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Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Merry Christmas
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
this is the best day of my life
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.