Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
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CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
[canadians at you, canadianly]
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.