(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
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What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
🤣😂🤣
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
jesus, what did this guy do
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Put this video in the Louvre