I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
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The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!