My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
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*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
oh you wanna fight?!
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting