Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
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I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.