5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
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Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝