[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
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“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup