Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
You Might Also Like
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.