ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
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Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
oh good, now I can stop drinking
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
This is my brand.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again