Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
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I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.