No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
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Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Does beer think about me too?
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds