When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
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people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I have no passwords left in me
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
why would tinder want me to say this
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn